12/07/12: I wrote this a few days ago and it made me laugh so much that I cried. It hasn’t been on the Internet before at all; not even unpublished and saved.

by thiswinteralso

December 7, 2012

To:  John Mayer:  Subject:  The Miserable Bastard Routine

Here’s what I think you’re thinking:

Katy and Lena.  I don’t know what to do.  I like Lena, except that all the things that would make it difficult for me to date her are really difficult.  There’s the conglomerate, which will threaten me the way it does her.  The truth about the videos is that they’re embarrassing; they’re going to embarrass anyone who goes out with her, forever.

Even if I were to try to leave the conglomerate, I think that there’s a good chance that Lena would reject me anyway.

I like Katy, too.  Being around her is much less euphoric than it used to be, though, which I know is my fault.  Some of it is Lena’s fault, though.  I don’t want to think about whose fault it is.

Since I don’t know what to do, I think I’ll do what a guy like me does when there are two women and he doesn’t know what to do about either of them; I’ll be a miserable bastard to both of them and see what happens.


December 7, 2012

Here’s what I wrote about it this morning:

To Katy Perry:

Here is my return receipt:

1 John Mayer

Returned to Katy Perry

December 7, 2012


Copyright L. Kochman, December 7, 2012 @ 6:48 p.m.